Dear Dad,

I am so angry at you.

I’m angry at you for all the things you said to me and all the things you never said to me.  I know Honesty is the best policy but sometimes I just needed to hear, “I’m proud of you.”

I’m angry at you for not being my hero.

I’m angry at you for making me grow up too fast, for treating me like a child but expecting me not to mess up like one.

I’m technically an adult now and I spent a lot of years pretending I didn’t need you, but I do. And I’m sorry if I never told you that.  I think I convinced myself I didn’t.

No matter how many times I tell people, “I’m okay.  With all his health problems we’ve kind of just been waiting for this” that doesn’t change the fact that the first thing I said when mom told me you died was, “You’re kidding.”  When she said no, I looked at Marshall and asked, “Is she kidding?”  But death is never kidding and I keep realizing that over and over at the most random and inconvenient times.

I’m angry at you for having Christmas presents for everyone in your closet.

I’m angry at you for leaving everything you have to Marshall and I, a fact which everyone won’t stop reminding us of.  “You were his pride and joy.  All of it’s yours.  You get to decide what we do with it.”  But you had so much shit a part of me just wants to burn it all because that would mean not having to face all the memories you collected.

They won’t stop calling. “How are you? How are you? How are you?” I’d be better if you hadn’t had a lock box with a crumpled poem I wrote when I was nine that you saved from the trash.  I’d be better if your calendar hadn’t been marked “Michy’s coming home” for the day after you died.  I’d be a whole lot better if your voice-mail from two months ago hadn’t been so different than the one from two weeks ago, because in the second one it sounds like you’re dying.

I’m angry at you for usually being the reason I cried, but also for being the person I wanted to impress the most.  It meant something when you told me I’d done a good job because you didn’t hand those out for free.

And I’m angry at you for taking almost all of my eighteen years to realize your mistakes.  I had to move to college three hours away before you owned up to your part in our broken relationship.  And when you wrote that stupid five page letter about all the good times we’d had it was almost enough to forgive everything else.  So I’m angry at you for apologizing, but more angry at you for not apologizing sooner.  For that reason I’m angry at God, because it’s a little sadistic of him to take you now, right when everything was about to change.

We used to run football patterns in your driveway for hours. You bought me my own box of cereal for your house and didn’t get angry when I ate out of yours every time.  When you got sick the first time, you would give me and Marshall money so we could run across the alley to the A&W to get dinner and we felt like grown ups.  When my knee surgery got cancelled the first time you let me cry to you.  When it got rescheduled you said you’d be there.

I’m angry at you for lying.  I’m having surgery Monday and you promised you’d be there.  You were the one who passed your knee problems on to my brother and I so I knew you would understand the frustration.  You would be there to take care of me.  For the first time in my whole life I felt like you could be something my mom couldn’t.  You even marked it on your calendar.

I’m 18 but I’m just a kid. And you had no right to leave me.

Merry Christmas to All!

Hey everyone!  On behalf of myself and the entire Table, we just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas!  Or a happy winter holiday, however you’re choosing to celebrate or not celebrate!  We’ll be celebrating all together with a Secret Santa/potluck dinner on Sunday night!

In the meantime, here are pictures of my dog Sadie with one of her gifts, a fleece blanket that she prefers to use as a chew toy.

Displaying photo 1.PNG

Displaying photo 2.PNG

She was not very happy about not being able to chew on the blanket in order to take a semi normal picture!

Happy Holidays everyone!

Spread the Cheer

In an earlier post,  I told everyone about the #Holidaycardproject.  While this time of year was super crammed with finals and papers and holiday celebration preparations, it was nice to take time to create something special for those who could use some holiday spirit.  So, I pulled out my colored pencils and went to work on a couple of greeting cards for the #Holidaycardproject that I came across on deviantART one day.  Here are the finished products:

image

image

I’m rather fond of the little snowman 🙂
I hope that my cards will put a smile on someone’s face this holiday season.  Did anyone else participate in something like this? We’d love to hear about it!
With that, Happy Holidays to everyone!
I’ll leave you a few pictures of my Christmas tree to help set the Holiday mood.

image

image

image

image

Winter Isn’t the Enemy

When people hear me say I hate summer their eyes do that bug-out-of-your-face thing you see in cartoons.  I get it, I’m the minority not the majority, but there are other people who love winter too! For example, my roommate, which is pretty lucky since we have to agree on the temperature of our room. All I can say is that the window is always open and at night it gets cold enough to keep my water bottle chilled.

I’m here to convince all you non-believers that winter isn’t so bad and that it has more to offer than just the pretty white snow.  Being from Wisconsin, and right next to the lake, no less, the Table and I get some of the worst winters there are.  If you don’t know what lake effect snow is, you’re really missing out.  It’s a beast.  Here are my reasons for loving the weather from November to March:

1. Let’s start with the obvious one: snow.

Snow! Snow! Snow!

Here are a few pictures from the winter they cancelled school on six different occasions.  The first one is of my brother peeking through a tunnel we dug on the hood of a car.  The red thing in the second one is our car.  When we opened the garage door that’s how high the snow was.  The third one has the criss-cross imprint of our fence.  We moved the fence and the snow just stayed there because it was so heavy. You can see me in the background and it was almost higher than my waist.

car snow  garage snow  fence snow

When I was little I loved to play in the snow and if I still had a pair of snow pants that fit me I would lay in it and just look at the sky.  Even if you hate everything else about winter, you can’t deny that snow is beautiful.

2. Hats, mittens, and scarves.

Besides the fact that they’re super cute, hats are so fun to wear.  I’ll admit I often wear them around the house just for fun. And I say mittens because I don’t like gloves.  The way they separate my fingers feels like they’re making them colder not warmer.  Below is a picture of a scarf I wove that I’m particularly proud of. The scarf is laying on the next item of my list.

DSCN1398

3. blankets, slippers, and sweatshirts.

The blanket above is special to me because I got it in North Dakota the first time on a mission trip which I now do annually.  Don’t you guys just love curling up inside with a blanket and a movie?

4. Hot Chocolate

I’m one of those people who can eat ice cream year round, but hot chocolate is seasonal.  I don’t like coffee but that can count too.  A warm drink is just ten times better when it’s cold out and you can feel it warming up your insides.  Doesn’t this picture look like it could be a Starbucks add?

DSCN0043

5. Seeing my breath and letting the tips of my ears get red.

I once heard someone compare seeing your breath to feeling like a dragon which I thought was funny, but I think it’s more like seeing my life.  This is evidence that I am alive, and every part of my body is buzzing with the cold.  And then you go inside and press your palms to your ears and you can feel them thaw.  I love that.

6. But one of my favorite parts is the smell.

I could go one forever with this list: ice skating, snow days, icicles, but I always get most excited by the smell that tells me winter is coming. It’s not so much a distinct smell as it is just crisp air.  When you breathe is deeply and it smells cold and fresh.  That’s one of my favorite parts.  So for all you winter haters I hope there’s at least one thing on this list that convinced you to hate the season maybe just 1% less.  Now it’s your turn to convince me why I should like summer.

Speaking of Long-Distance Relationships…

Hey y’all,

Frankie’s post got me thinking heavily about my boyfriend and how much I miss him. His name is Makonnen [Mah-Cone-Nen], and no he is not the newly famous I LOVE MAKONNEN music artist (although that would’ve been a nice story to tell). I’m over here jammin’ to Drunk in Love by Beyoncé, so excuse my mushiness.

2014-07-24 14.09.59

I was forced to attend DSHA, and it was the best decision that my parents ever made for me. One of my biggest concerns, however, was figuring out how I’m ever going to find a boyfriend in an all-girls school. Believe it or not, IT HAPPENED! Granted, I didn’t find Konnen until Christmas break of my senior year, but it still counts. *flips weave* Do you guys want to hear our cheesy story? Because I’m going to give it to you anyway. Grab some popcorn and a box of tissues…

So we met at a party when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He told me that the entire night at the party, his attention was solely on me. I, on the other hand, was probably worried about where the drinks and food were. Needless to say, I barely remember seeing him at the party, let alone acknowledging his existence. Between sophomore year and senior year, he ended up being a friend in my Snapchat list. I would always see his stories, so I knew that at some point he moved to California which really discouraged me from pursuing anything with him.

The day before my first finals, I Snapchatted my “fail of the day” – locking my keys in the car (I was standing in the freezing weather). He responded via Snapchat by laughing at me and saying that I was funny. And I instantly thought 1) I don’t even know you, so why are you laughing at me? We aren’t cool like that, and 2) you know who I am!!! I played off my annoyance by engaging in some superficial conversation, and we ended up exchanging numbers, with NO intention to ever speak to him again. Lucky for me, I was bored out of my mind the next day and decided to text him after all. That was the best decision of my life so far.

2014-05-22 21.39.07

We connected instantly. We got so deep, so fast; it was thrilling and yet ridiculously scary. He told me that he lived in California, which was a huge turn off for me being that I had just ended up a long distance “situationship” a month before meeting Konnen. He did say, however, that he would be moving back to Wisco on my birthday (January 2), so I figured that simply meeting and going on a date couldn’t hurt anything.

It was love at first sight. He came with his buddy, and I came with my cousin to make things a tad less intimate and awkward. But that kinda backfired because his friend was really awkward the entire time. Nevertheless, we all still enjoyed ourselves at Casablanca, and then headed to his buddy’s house for some movies and video games. The next day he was my boyfriend (he tells me that he didn’t want to make things official on my birthday because that would’ve been too cliché).

I’m sure you’re wondering, “Where’s the long-distance aspect?” To make a long story short, he had to move back to California (his native state) for a crazily well-paying hospital job a month after we got together. That was traumatizing and VERY depressing. But we’ve managed to make it work thus far. He came back for Valentine’s Day (2 weeks after he moved), flew me out there for my spring break, came back here for my graduation, and then came back again a month later for his sister’s wedding (which ended up being on his birthday, June 28). Two weeks later he flew me out to spend a month with him in Cali, and I had the time of my life. He even took me to the Beyoncé & Jay – Z concert while I was out there. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m gay for Beyoncé! He’s come to visit me once since school started and… (Insert drum roll)…. HE’S MOVING BACK ON CHRISTMAS! I’m so elated to finally be with him again. It’s been a long year of being apart, but it’s made us immensely stronger and more appreciative of the time that we do spend together. Only God knows where things will go from here, but I don’ t have any doubts in my mind that we will be getting married in the future. I love that man ❤

2014-08-07 01.53.22

Yes, today is the last day of classes. But now that means I’ve got to get started w/ studying for finals. So that’s my cue! See y’all later, and Merry Christmas if you don’t hear from me again!

Mia ❤

No Matter The Distance

Being a group of girls, it’s only natural that boys pop up in conversations.  Three members of the Table are in steady and adorable relationships–including myself.  (Almost a year and a half in fact.) While some have the privilege of living a mere 15ish minutes from her boyfriend, some of us have to deal with being miles, hours, states apart.  While most people respond with a skeptic “well, if you think you can make it work…,” having the support of each other, friends, and family makes it a lot easier.  Believe it or not, a serious relationship can exist when you live in different states.  Here are some things I do that help ease the intimidation of a LDR (long distance relationship).

His name is Peter.

Facebook-20141204-010031

We met during the summer before senior year.  We have now been dating for almost a year and a half.  I used to see him almost every day.  Now we’re off at college.  He attends Viterbo University in Lacrosse, Wisconsin.  I attend Iowa Sate University in Ames, Iowa. That is about a four hour drive.  It’s not too bad but it is long distance.  How do we make it work?

I’m sure you’ve heard it before: communication is the key to any and all relationships.  This is especially true for a LDR and definitely during college.  My boyfriend and I text each other every single day.  Even a simple “Good morning” and “Sweet dreams” can be enough sometimes.  Obviously that cannot be the only communication between a couple.  Make time to really have conversations, much like what would happen in person.

I'm crazy.  and also blonde now.

I’m crazy. and also blonde now.

Also Skype.  Lots of Skype.  Without physically seeing the other’s face, your relationship can turn into one of those fictional online ones; both people hiding behind a keyboard.  Using Skype (or Facetime or Chat or what not) to connect a face with his or her words can reconnect the human part of the relationship.  You can even go on dates with Skype!  Each of you grab a mocha from the cafe downstairs and–voila–instant coffee date. Although, for me, it’s more like: me stuffing my face with pasta or chocolate and him reviewing notes while his neighbor vacuums his roommates desk.  Close enough.

Something that I do is trick myself into thinking that he’s actually nearby.  Since neither of us have cars and we’re both (kind of) swamped with school, it’s easy to make up reasons why the other wouldn’t be able to swing by real quick.  The amount of stories we could tell about each others’ college life makes it seem like we were together when it happened. And of course reminiscing about times when we actually were together is nice, too.

Here's a shpt from his senior prom. (We went to our "brother" school)  I made that dress myself :)

Here’s a shot from his senior prom. (He went to our “brother” school) I made that dress myself 🙂

People always assume that LDRs fall apart tragically.  Some peers tell me horror stories of older siblings who were crushed by a relationship that was not meant to go long distance.  (Now that I’m in one, I wonder how the heck things can fall apart like I’ve been told.)  Sure I questioned if it was the right thing to do.  Initially, I figured taking a break for college would be easy.  That way we could both focus on school and not be afraid to “meet new people.”  But the closer we grew, the more I realized a break was not an option.  Neither of us want even to think about this relationship ending.  With LDRs, it’s essential that trust, support, and dedication form a triple threat.  If doubt creeps its way in at all, the whole thing can crumble.  So I don’t doubt.  I can honestly say that I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. Nor can I imagine myself single (even though I was for like, 17 years…).  Peter and I put faith in each other and know that the other will always be there no matter what.

So ignore all the haters.  If you think your relationship can withstand distance, go for it.  It’s not as scary as it seems.  Remember that it might take some adjusting and communication is vital.  With enough faith and support a LDR can be a breeze, no matter the distance.  If you believe in something, it’ll happen.

-Frankie :-*

Here are some cute pictures.  It’s actually pretty rare to find photos of us together so these are basically all off them. That’s what happens when you live for the moment, not for the documentation of it.
Facebook-20141204-125553Facebook-20141204-010216Facebook-20141204-010058

Secret Santa with the Commuters

This week, I participated in my first Marquette Commuters Tradition.  We did Secret Santa!  Now, the day of Secret Santa was way more than just getting a gift for me.

Depending on my schedule, I prefer to leave campus earlier because normally I take the bus.  But since I was staying for Secret Santa, I was staying on campus later.  So I finally participated in a commuter tradition of going to wings night!  Let me explain.  There’s a dive/restaurant on campus called Sobelman’s, which if you’re ever in Milwaukee, you should check it out.  It’s been voted one of the top burger places in Milwaukee for… Well, for a long time.  Every Wednesday, they have 30 cent chicken wings, which if you’re not familiar with chicken wing pricing, is really cheap.

Every week this semester I’ve watched my friends go for lunch for wings, and I’ve sat sitting my sad looking PB&J sandwich.  A group also goes for dinner.  I finally joined the dinner group and had my first Sobelman’s chicken wings!

After dinner, everyone came back to the Commuter Lounge and we started the festivities!  Our setup of presents was epic, especially compared to our half decorated tree (with one of the ‘ornaments’ being a leftover Nerf gun dart from Humans vs. Zombies) and our fireplace projected from our TV via Netflix (which has three episodes of a roaring fireplace if you’re interestedJ ) .  I volunteered to be Santa, and soon everyone got their gifts!  The gifts included: play dough, a miniature pool table, science fiction books, and lots, I mean lots, of candy and chocolate.

I received a set of light up lava lamp looking speakers, which I’m very excited to put in my room eventually (my room is chronically messy, which is why I say eventually).  I can’t for next year’s Secret Santa!